I Was About To Delete Everything - A Lesson In Doing The Things That Scare You
You almost didn’t get last week’s email.
It was an hour before my newsletter was scheduled to be sent. I was making myself coffee when I fell into a complete panic spiral. This particular spiral is not foreign to me. It tends to show up when I’m doing something I really care about, or when I’m feeling like I’m sharing too much.
Spiral in motion, I sat down in front of my computer. Convinced that hitting delete was the right call, I took a sip of my coffee and allowed the caffeine to fuel my intrusive thoughts.
There’s no dramatic twist; you already know how this story ends.
I didn't hit delete. The email got sent.
My panic spiral was telling me the email wasn’t ready. It wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t newslettery enough. (Such a wonderfully vague critique.) I felt like the most lackluster version of myself. Was my writing any good? Did what I have to say even matter? I was deep in the trenches of self-doubt.
I sat there in front of my computer, my finger hovering over the delete key. I started to think about all the effort I’d put in this newsletter. The time I’d spent writing. How much fun I had designing a new template and thinking about the experience someone might have. Then something shifted. I stopped thinking about how well-received my writing would be. The critical thoughts washed away as another voice came forward. It was a younger version of me emerging as if she was showing me a piece of art she was proud of. I remembered how important writing was to me. How important it still is to me now.
In the end my desire to not disappoint that little me was stronger than my desire to preserve some sort of cool image or comfy cocoon I’d created for myself.
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STORIES ARE A COMMUNAL CURRENCY OF HUMANITY
TAHIR SHAH
It can feel scary to choose to reveal the softer sides of ourselves in a world where we’re expected to have it all together. I imagine that’s how a cat feels when they expose their belly to you. But here’s the thing, being vulnerable is a practice, and I was simply out of shape. I’d been hiding away for so long that I forgot the art of sharing my true self.
I’m so glad I followed through on sharing my email because you met me with such kindness and softness. You reminded me how good it can feel to show up and share the truest part of myself.
I hope that you remember to share more of your true self with the world because we need it and if you don’t, that’s okay too. Maybe you need some deep cocooning.
Wherever you’re at, I hope you can take time to champion the dreams of younger you because you deserve for them to come true.
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If you liked reading this essay, you might enjoy reading…
Beaches, Bonfires, And Bullshit: Facing Your Shadows In Order To Grow And Evolve
Finding Clarity In The Unknown + 5 Tips To Help You Get Unstuck
Or listen to these episodes my podcast, The Shoreline, for similar reflections:
Listening For What Wants To Emerge: Letting Go Of Timelines And Honoring Where You’re At Right Now
Kim Kogane is a writer and intuitive guide helping you navigate the tender in-between seasons. She lives in Seattle, Washington with her dog, Cauchy, and three cats. Learn more about Kim.
Originally published on May 22, 2024 and sent as a newsletter.
