Playing To Win: When You Take Control Of Your Life Instead Of Letting Your Life Control You
Episode 38: Playing To Win
In this episode I share the vulnerable shift I’m making from “I have to” to “I get to.” I talk about how grief has impacted the way I live my life and why I cling to routines and what’s known. Listen to this when you’re ready to release the limiting beliefs holding you back from creating the life of your dreams.
Episode Details
Summary
In this episode, I’m reflecting on a mindset shift inspired by the Seattle Seahawks and the difference between playing not to lose and playing to win. As I move into my second football season without my dad, I’ve been thinking about how that same idea applies to grief, joy, and the way I move through my days.
For a long time, especially during grief, my focus has been on avoiding a bad day. I’ve tried to create control through routines, lists, and getting as much done as possible. But somewhere along the way, even the things that nourish me, like journaling or taking a long walk with Cauchy, started becoming tasks instead of experiences.
This episode explores what it might look like to shift from simply getting through the day to asking, how can I make today the best day it can be? Not by avoiding difficulty or pretending hard emotions are not there, but by allowing joy, magic, presence, and unexpected goodness to exist alongside them.
I also share about a yearly tarot ritual that suddenly felt disconnected this year because I had turned it into another item on my to-do list. That experience became a reminder that the practices we choose to support ourselves do not need rigid rules. We can return to them differently, change our perspective, and let intuition lead.
This is an invitation to notice where you may be moving through life defensively. Where have meaningful rituals become obligations? Where are you trying not to lose instead of allowing yourself to fully participate in the experience?
Maybe the shift is as simple as moving from “I have to” to “I get to” and remembering that the day in front of you has never happened before.
This episode is for you if…
You’re ready to let go of what you “should” be doing to create more joyful days
You’re an over-thinker who’s ready to release the constant to-do list
You find yourself always thinking of what comes next and want to learn to be more present in the moment
You’re ready to stop playing small and are ready to create the life of your dreams
You’re on a grief journey and are looking for comfort and understanding in your experience
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Welcome to The Shoreline, where we explore the tender in-between seasons of the human experience. My name is Kim, and I'm here to support you as you navigate your next becoming. Here, we don't fix, we listen, we don't rush, we allow. Hello, and welcome to today's episode. If you're new here, I'm so happy that you've made your way to The Shoreline, and if you're returning, welcome back. I'm so glad that you're here. So recently, I was watching the HBO documentary Hard Knocks that follows a different NFL football team every season, and this year they're following the Seattle Seahawks. And if you're new here, I feel very connected to the Seahawks. My dad was a big Seahawks fan, and it's something we always did as a family. We would go to games, we would watch them together, and it's a way that I still feel very connected to him. And this will be my second season without him. And always around this time of year, I start to kind of feel the energy shifting. And last season was really difficult. It was the first season without him, and it was really hard to go to games, and I just wasn't sure how I was going to be feeling. And this year, it feels different. I'm not sure how it's going to go exactly. But I will say, I always feel especially emotional, kind of returning to the stadium for the first time as the season kicks off. And then there's the added element of really just missing my dad and wishing that he could be here. But I will also say that it's during football season that I feel most connected to him. I can feel his presence. I see a lot of signs. And yeah, it's just a time where I can just feel really, really connected to him, which is really nice. And so recently, I was watching the Hard Knocks documentary I had on the most recent episode, and the head coach of the Seahawks was talking about his mindset. And he was sharing that early on in his career, he would make decisions and play to not lose the game, versus making decisions to win the game. And that really stuck with me. And I've been thinking about this mindset in terms of joy and myself, and trying not to have a bad day, versus trying to have the best day that I can. And I've been really just in my mind lately and thinking about how my perspective can shift. Because I think that I have been living and planning out my days in more of a defensive way, trying not to have a bad day, which I think is very normal thing when you're on a grief journey. You've gone through so much, and it's really just like how can I not have a bad day? And in fact, feeling good and having a good day almost doesn't feel that great because it feels weird to have a good day in the absence of someone that you really care about. And so it's really complex. And I think that on my grief journey, it feels time to start maybe trying to look ahead and look forward. And I don't want to say move on, but I think it's time to invite some, some joy back in and really try to have the best day that I can versus just trying not to have a bad day. And I think one of the ways in which that I really shift into trying not to have a bad day is through being kind of what I like to call task mode. And lately, I've been really doing this where I, I really am just trying to cross as many things off my list as possible each day. And I think that it really comes from a good place of trying to be in, in control of what happens. And when you're trying to cross things off the list and get as much done as you can, it doesn't really leave a lot of room for the unexpected. And I think that is the best way that I try to not have a bad day, is through being kind of this taskmaster. But what's really happening is that I'm, I'm not allowing myself to be fully present because I'm always thinking about the next thing that I have to do. And I'm not really allowing myself to soak in the goodness of the day because I'm taking really special moments, like starting my day off slowly with journaling or going on a long walk with Cauchy. And both of those things are so wonderful and magical and joyful. And I'm turning them into tasks of I have to wake up and start my day with journaling. I have to get, get a walk done with Cauchy because she needs to be walked every day. And that is really zapping the joy and the goodness out of what I'm doing. And it is that like just trying to get through the day and not have a bad day and rushing to everything versus like what can I do to have the best day that I can today? And that's not to say that there won't be obstacles or, you know, difficult emotions or whatever it is that comes up. And it's not about avoiding life things or whatever it is that feels hard. It's really about allowing joy to be present, allowing the good in and really soaking it in. Because life is going to be hard no matter what. We're always going to face obstacles in our path. It's part of how we grow and evolve and transform. And it's really not helpful to just not feel good, right? I think that at different points in my life, I've really been in this kind of task mode and just like, okay, when I go through something difficult, it feels scary to to let joy back in, because if I allow myself to feel that good, then the bad is going to feel really bad. But that's kind of a flawed belief, I think. And I've been thinking about this a lot. And it's about balancing out the bad with the good. And I don't want to label things as bad. I think it's more about balancing what feels challenging with moments of joy and magic, because that's really what the human experience is about. We're here to grow and evolve, which means facing challenges and obstacles and overcoming them. But it's also about experiencing what is unique about being human and what is unique about being here on earth and connecting to nature and watching the sunset or whatever it is that brings you joy. And so that's what I've been thinking about lately. And I'm really trying to shift my perspective of how can I wake up and have the best day I can today. And I think that it is a measure of a good day, of a good week, and I can go, when I end my days and I go to sleep, really excited to start a new day. And I think that when I'm in this kind of more task oriented mode, the days just kind of meshed together into one long to-do list. And it doesn't feel that exciting because it's like, okay, I'm going to wake up, rinse, repeat, cross off all these things and then do it again. And the reality is that the task list is always growing. It's never ending. There's never going to be that moment of satisfaction when you get everything done because you're continuously living life. And so I think that I'm ready to really let that go and to kind of step into this idea of like, how can I play to win? How can I try to make each day the best that it can be and treat each experience as really special and unique? Because going back to my example of walking Cauchy, each one of our walks is different. Even if we walk the same path, there are new smells, new flowers, new experiences, new ways to connect. No walk is ever the same. No day is ever the same. I want to create that space to allow the magic, the unexpected, the goodness back in, and really set that intention for myself, and really allow these parts of my day that I've intentionally set to nourish me versus just having them be something that I have to get done. I've shared recently that I've been getting back into journaling, and I've been trying to start and end my days with journaling, and that's something that is really what makes me me. It's a way that I process what I'm going through. It's a way to document what I've done. It's a way that I connect to my intuition, my guides, my creativity. It's a really important part of my identity, and I feel like it really does a disservice when I just make it a task that I need to cross off. Like, I have to start my day with journaling versus, like, I get to start my day with journaling. It's interesting. So, every year, I do a tarot spread for the year, and I do it in August, a little bit after my birthday that's at the end of July, and it's something that I really look forward to. It's a time to reflect, and it feels exciting to really look at the past spread and to think about what the year ahead might look like. So, the spread is a card for each month, and then one card that's the overall theme for the year, and I do a mix of my Wild Unknown tarot deck and then also the Animal Spirit deck from the Wild Unknown, and it always is something that I really look forward to. And the spread is something that I use throughout the year. At the beginning and end of each month, I'll kind of reflect back and think about the card, and I'll look at the next card, and it usually plays out kind of exactly the way the tarot said, and I think it's a really great tool for self-reflection. And so, it's just something that I really enjoy. And this year, I did my tarot spread, and it really didn't resonate. I just didn't have the same feelings about it. And I really thought about, like, I wonder why, is it because of the cards that I drew? Like, what about it just didn't feel right? And it was because I had put it as a task on my to-do list. It wasn't something that I just naturally let draw me in. It was like, oh, I have to get this done on this day. And because of that, I really didn't feel connected to the magic of the tarot. I didn't feel as connected to my intuition. It kind of zapped all of the goodness out of it. And so I had to sit and journal with it because it also felt weird to do it again. And my intuition, my inner voice told me, told me it was all about a shift in perspective and my mindset, right? Like tarot is not predicting the future. It's giving you something to reflect off of, and it gives you a perspective in that it's not about changing what's on my path and what's going to happen. It's really that opportunity to change how I see it. And so my inner voice did say like, if you want, do it again, and it's not going to change necessarily what's going to happen, but maybe you'll see it differently, and a different spread might give you different insights. And I just found that to be so interesting because I think I also was like, well, this is what I have to do. These are the rules around it. Really, it's something that I do for myself, that I created myself. There are no rules about it. I could do it as many times as I want. And I think that there was that little bit of me that was afraid that if I redid it, then the second spread wouldn't be true, or that the first one was set in stone, and that it is what it is, and I missed my opportunity to really connect. But that's not true. That's just a scarcity mindset. That's the playing to not lose versus playing to win. And the reality is we always have the opportunity to shift how we're feeling about something, what our mindset is, our perspective, how we see the world. And I think that this is a really beautiful lesson for me in being just a little bit more flexible and a little bit less rigid, and that there's no, in this instance, there's no right or wrong way, there are no rules because this is a ritual that I've created for myself, and that each year can look different. And this is the first year that I've felt this way. And so it felt maybe a little bit scary and unexpected. But I think that the most important thing that I can do is follow those little nudges, follow what I'm feeling and what my intuition is guiding me to. And that's to do it again. So I'm going to redo that spread when the time feels right. And I think I was feeling pressure to like, oh, it needs to be done in this time frame because I always do it in mid August. But maybe I'll wait until September. I don't know. I think I'll just wait until I feel drawn to it. And yeah, maybe kind of wait until I have a little bit more space or I feel like, okay, this isn't something that I have to get done or I have to be present for, or I have to do because I've always done it. It's something that I continue to choose for myself because I love it, because it's helpful, because it's part of who I am. Just like journaling, I don't journal because I tell myself I have to, no one's making me. If I don't do it, nothing bad is going to happen. I'm choosing it because it supports me and me becoming more myself, right? And that's really what all of these tools are for. There's no living life the most perfect right way. It's about continuing to choose what is most supportive and allowing the good in and really just embracing the full experience of what it means to be human and to be here. And so that's what I have for you today, friends. I hope that you are doing well and I hope that this resonated. And if you are navigating a big transition, you aren't sure what's next, or maybe you're looking for some tools to support you on your journey. I just want you to know I offer guidance and support through The Shoreline Private Coaching Sessions. In those sessions, you meet with me one-on-one every week for six months with support available in between sessions. And those sessions are completely customized to support you. You get to be the leader in your own journey, and I am just here for guidance and support. So if you would like more information about The Shoreline Private Coaching Sessions or you want to schedule time to chat with me, you can go to my website. The link is in the show notes. And so that's where I'll leave you today. I hope that you take good care while the waves carry you closer and know that your next version is already waiting on the shore.
If you’re feeling stuck in the foggy middle and exhausted from having to always “figure it out” alone, I want to invite you to…
Explore The Shoreline Private Sessions to find aligned support as you navigate a significant life transition
Use this FREE intention setting worksheet to help you find your north star
Read this blog post to discover the easiest way to make your day better
Listen to this visualization when you want to tap into daydream energy and invite more peace and calm into your life
Kim Kogane is a writer and intuitive guide helping you navigate the tender in-between seasons. She lives in Seattle, Washington with her dog, Cauchy, and three cats. Learn more about Kim
