An Invitation To Softness: When Grief Catches You By Surprise
Episode 39: An Invitation To Softness
In this episode I explore what it means to honor transitions, move slowly, and take what you need when life feels heavy. Listen to this when you need permission to slow down and honor where you’re at.
Episode Details
Summary
In this episode, I’m sharing from the middle of a difficult wave of grief. After feeling like I had begun to understand grief as a companion, I was surprised by how deeply it returned and how quickly it changed the way I moved through my days.
I reflect on the pressure I sometimes place on myself to show that I am healing, moving forward, or somehow overcoming grief. But grief is not linear, and there is no finish line I need to reach. I am still getting to know this part of myself, and I am learning to meet it with more compassion instead of expectation.
This episode also explores how isolating grief can feel when the people around us instinctively want to fix what we are experiencing. Often, what I need most is not advice or a solution. I need someone willing to listen, witness what is true, and trust that my grief does not need to be repaired.
I share what it feels like to be a deep feeler in a world that does not always make room for depth, and how I am learning to let the part of me that wants to help and make everything meaningful step aside sometimes so other parts of me can speak.
Even within the heaviness, there are still moments of nourishment and connection. A long walk with Cauchy in the middle of the day reminded me that we are not productivity machines, and that the moments we remember most are often the ones where we gave ourselves permission to simply be present.
This is an invitation to softness, gentleness, and slowness. To take what you need. To honor the transitions between where you have been and where you are going. And to trust that you do not have to understand everything you are carrying in order to hold it with care.
This episode is for you if…
You’re on a grief journey and are looking for comfort and understanding in your experience
You’re in need of a reminder to be compassionate with yourself and to release the expectations you place on yourself
You’re in a season of life that requires a little more softness and gentle energy
You’re navigating a transition or are starting over and are getting to know yourself all over again
You’re trying to understand how to best support someone who is on a grief journey
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Welcome to The Shoreline, where we explore the tender in-between seasons of the human experience. My name is Kim, and I'm here to support you as you navigate your next becoming. Here, we don't fix, we listen. We don't rush, we allow. Hello and welcome. If you're new here, I'm so happy you've made your way to The Shoreline, and if you're returning, welcome back. I'm so glad that you're here. So I'll be honest with you. This week, I really have been struggling, and I've shown up to share in this space a few times, and it just hasn't felt right. And so I thought I would try one more time. And if you've been following along on my journey, you know I'm on a grief journey, and grief is not something that is linear. And I know that in my mind, but I think there's still an expectation that I put on myself to be always moving forward or to try and show that I'm okay, or that as time is passing, it's getting better. And this week, just when I thought that I had a hold on my grief and I understood its role in my life as this new companion, I was just completely blindsided by how I felt. And a wave of grief really just overtook me in a way that I wasn't expecting. And that is my truth right now. And it feels really vulnerable to share. And I really try to be my most authentic and genuine self. And at the same time, I think that I'm only human and I really want to show up in a way that is positive here. I want to prove how healed I am or that you can overcome grief. And so it does, like I place certain expectations on myself because I am human with a human mind and that's just kind of how it is. And at the same time, I want to show that grief isn't linear and I want to kind of share my journey with you. And so that's where I'm at. I'm feeling kind of the push-pull of these two sides of myself of really wanting to honor where I'm at right now. And then also wanting to show up in a certain way to prove that I have overcome my grief or that I understand it. And the truth is, I'm still getting to know my grief. I'm still getting to know myself. And that's kind of what life is about. And it's really what the in-between space is about. It's really about getting to know yourself on a deeper level and learning how to really be deeply compassionate and understanding with yourself. And it's so funny because I think that we so easily can be supportive and understanding to those we care about. And sometimes we don't apply that same part of ourself to ourselves. And that's what I'm still learning. I'm still learning how to be understanding, to be compassionate, and to just honor wherever I'm at in my grief journey, but also just in life, because it doesn't really go how you expect it. And so that's where I'm at right now. I'm really in just a deep wave of grief, and it's just making everything a little bit harder to navigate. I feel like it's like there's a fog that has kind of rolled in, and I just can't quite see clearly right now. And so I think when that happens, what I like to do is to just turn inward and to sit with my inner landscape and with my emotions and use the tools that I have, like journaling and being just a little bit more present and taking things more slowly if I can. And also just allowing it all to be. I don't need to fix it because there's nothing wrong. Grief is not a problem to solve. It's part of who I am now, and at its core, grief is love. And I think it's really special that that I am feeling such a huge sense of loss because this person had such a profound impact on me. And I say that, you know, more for myself. I think it's really helpful to speak these things out loud and just to remind ourselves of what we know to be true. And so, yeah, I'm learning how to sit with my grief, especially when these big waves come through, and to try and hold compassion for myself. I think that also when I'm feeling these waves and when the kind of grief fog has rolled in, it can feel really isolating. I think that a lot of times, we as a society don't really have a lot of tools to navigate the grief journey, both in ourselves and for others. And I find that a lot of times, other people really also want to kind of fix my grief for me or offer suggestions or something that's helped them. And I think that is really beautiful and loving. And often, it's also not what I need. And it feels hard to share that because I don't want anyone to, to feel bad about what they're offering or what they're sharing. I'm really just wanting to share my truth in hopes that it might resonate with you. And so I find that when friends and loved ones are offering fixes, it makes me feel even more isolated, I suppose. And it's interesting because a lot of the fixes are things I've already thought about or I've weighed for myself, and either it's a not right now or a not for me. And I think that what I really crave is just a listening ear and support in that way of like for someone to just witness my journey and to also acknowledge that my grief is not meant to be fixed, and that it's okay to carry that. And I think that this grief part, while this particular grief is newer to me, right? It's only a year and a half old. I think that there's always been part of me that has been a deep feeler and has really leaned into sadness and into depth. And it's part of myself that I haven't always understood or accepted in the way that I would like. And sometimes I find it hard to kind of exist in the world with this depth, because not every situation is meant to be that deep. When I'm in this more introspective place, I find it really hard to just navigate the world because I really want to be a light and I don't want to make anyone feel sad or down or hurt. And also, I'm exploring deep emotional landscapes. I'm exploring my own grief and often what I feel called to share leans into that aspect of life more than it leans into light, happy, fluffy, and it can be very confusing to hold all of that. And I don't know if this is... Well, it's not meant to make sense. I'm really just sharing. But I think there's that part of me that's like, does this make sense? Is it is it helping someone? That sweet part of me is just always right there wanting to chime in. And I love that part. I love her so much. I love that I like being helpful and that I'm really passionate about helping other people. And I think that she can let other parts kind of hold the microphone and she can practice being an active listener. So you're getting kind of my raw thoughts and me working through this in, in real time. This isn't what I had planned or what I expected to share, but this is what is true for me and this is where I'm at and I'm learning. And I'm really getting to know this grief companion and it's complex. And I think that when I say that my grief, this particular grief of losing my dad is only a year and a half old, it makes sense that I wouldn't fully understand it yet. Like the relationship that I have with this grief is only a year and a half old. If you think about relationships that you've had when you've only known someone for a little over a year, there's still so much to get to know. There are still surprises, there's still unexpected moments. So of course, this is where I'm at. And yet I wanted to have it all figured out. I think that's a natural human inclination to want to have everything figured out. And the reality is the human experience is something that we'll never have all figured out. Maybe at the very end, but even then, I just think that there's a certain amount of mystery that will always remain, and that's really what makes it beautiful. And so I'm really just trying to be gentle with myself. I'm riding these waves. I'm allowing myself to be sad and to kind of struggle a little bit. And within that, there are really special, beautiful moments. Like a few days ago, I decided to take Cauchy on a walk in the middle of the week. You know, in the middle of the normal workday, we went on a two-hour walk, and that's really what we both needed. And I feel just so grateful that I was able to take that time and space both for myself and for Cauchy, and it was so nourishing on a sole level. And it reminds me that we're not meant to be productivity machines. And when I look back, I think I will remember those special moments more than I'll remember how many things that I cross off my to-do list. And so maybe that can be a reminder for you, too, that if you can, and not everyone is in a season where they have that kind of flexibility, but really take what you can to enjoy those small moments and to give yourself that space that you need. Even it doesn't have to be a two-hour walk, even if it's just a couple of minutes, a few deep breaths, a five-minute phone call with someone that you're missing, or even just a text to someone of, hey, I'm thinking about you. All of those things matter, and even if they feel small in the moment, they can have a profound impact on both yourself and others because connection is so important. And I think that as we kind of navigate how fast the world is moving, it can be easy to forget those tiny connective moments. And so I hope that you can infuse a little more connection into your day, a little more nourishment, whatever that looks like for you. And to also just be really gentle with yourself. I hope that you can take what you need as I continue to practice taking what I need. And if you're on a grief journey, I'm just sending you so much support and compassion wherever you're at, because everyone is on their own unique journey. No two grief journeys are alike. There can be common themes, but truly it is yours and yours alone to navigate. And I also want you to know that there's support around you, and there's compassion and kindness, and to reach for that when you can and when it feels good and nourishing. And just don't put any pressure on yourself. We don't need any more pressure in our lives. There's enough of that. And so I think that I really just want this to be an invitation for softness, for gentleness, for slowness, especially as we kind of shift into a transition of the seasons. I think that both summer and fall can be really busy and packed. And I want to honor that transition time and to honor that we need time to transition out of where we've been, to take a pause in that in-between, and to shift into what's coming. And we don't always get that ability to transition well, but I think that it's a good practice to even just think about, wow, like I am moving from one space to another, and how can I just kind of release where I've been and embrace where I'm going next. And that's something that I like to do just in life in general, like whenever I have meetings or whenever I'm moving from one event to another, one space to another, I think it really is helpful to just pause and say, like, I'm going to take this moment to let go of where I've just been and now I can move into what's next. And so that's where I'll leave you today, friend. If you are wanting to dive deeper into your own inner landscape, if you're navigating a big transition, if you're not sure what's next, if you're on a grief journey, I want you to know that I offer guidance and support through the Shoreline private coaching sessions. I share this every week, but in those sessions, you meet with me one-on-one every week for six months. There's a support available in between sessions, and these sessions really are completely customized for you. It's your space, it's your time, and I'm really there to be a support and a guide. So if that's something that is calling to you, if you're feeling interested in exploring that, you can find more information or schedule time to chat with me on my website. The link is in the show notes. And so I hope you take good care while the waves carry you closer and know that your next version is already waiting on the shore.
If you’re feeling stuck in the foggy middle and exhausted from having to always “figure it out” alone, I want to invite you to…
Explore The Shoreline Private Sessions to find aligned support as you navigate a significant life transition
Use this FREE intention setting worksheet to help you find your north star and get clear about your path forward
Read this blog post to discover the easiest way to make your day better when life feels overwhelming
Listen to this visualization when you want to invite more peace and calm into your life and use a somatic practice to come back to your body and the present moment
Kim Kogane is a writer and intuitive guide helping you navigate the tender in-between seasons. She lives in Seattle, Washington with her dog, Cauchy, and three cats. Learn more about Kim
